| Author | Message | ||
     Prez |
has his ships steering wheel down his pants..the bartender walks up and says..what's up with the wheel? to wich the pirate replies...arrr..she's drivin me nuts!!! this is a thread to tell your best/corniest jokes... | ||
| Pupu |
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody." | ||
| Prez |
nice..that one is being told at work tommorrow | ||
| Brineusaf |
Borrowed from Playboy Party Jokes... Why didn't Dick Cheney get into more trouble for shooting a person in the face? Isn't that why Bill Blinton almost got impeached? To Thwart the spread of the bird flu, GW Bush suggests we bomb the Canary Islands. A study reports that 70% of gay men were born that way and the other 30% were sucked into it. Lastly.... A guy walked into a bar. The side of his face was bruised and bleeding, so the bartender asked, "What happened to you buddy?" The guy said,"Oh, I got into a fight with my girlfriend because I called her a cheap wh*re." "Yeah?" asked the bartender."What did she do?" He replied,"She hit me with her bag of nickels." | ||
| Pupu |
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. | ||
| Cochise |
Long one... A fellow is writing for his magazine, Big Game. He is in a small town in North Dakota, he is in the local grocery store and asks if they know who can give them a good Big Game Story because he had writer's block. The manager told him to talk to Old Man Johnson at the Old Folks Home. He finds the guy and says, Mr. Johnson, can you give me a good hunting story. Mr. Johnson goes on to tell the gentleman, I was in Africa, hiding in the Bushes hunting Elephant, I had my sights set and a huge hairy beast from out of the bushes... ROAR!!! I just crapped my pants." The gentleman says, "Sure, if that huge monster came outta the bushes, I'd probably crap my pants too." Mr. Johnson replies, "No, I meant just now when I yelled, ROAR!!" | ||
| Cochise |
this is a thread to tell your best/corniest jokes Ok, hows this? So, this baby seal walks into a club.... | ||
| Pupu |
hehe, gotta love the old jokes An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
This guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "Don't you go starting anything." | ||
| Skyguy |
Do you know what the pink panther said when he stepped on the anthill? Deadant deadant deadant | ||
| Skyguy |
Do you know where the lone ranger takes his garbage? to the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump You said you were looking for corny............ | ||
| Pupu |
i havent heard that dead ant one in like 10 years, lol A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there." "I see," replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" | ||
| Skyguy |
The brakes fail on a penguins car. Penguin goes to the mechanic and asked if he can take a look at them and fix the problem. Mechanic says "no problem come back after lunch I should be done". penguin goes to lunch and returns to ask the mechanic if the brakes are ok. Mechanic tell the penguin that it looks like he has blown a seal. Penguin looks down at his shirt and says "nah thats just a little ice cream" | ||
| Metalstorm |
A priest, a Minister, & a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender walks up & says "What is this, A joke?" *drumroll* *tap* *tap* is this thing on? | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, " Hey we got a drink named after you." Th grasshopper asks enthusiastically, " You got a drink named Murray?!?" | ||
| Midknyte |
a blind man walks into a bar and says... OWWWWWWWWW!!! | ||
| Phatkidwit1eye |
So a Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. So a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says to him "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here". "Why not" says the mushroom, "I'm a fungi!" Knock knock -who's there? I eat mop -I eat mop who? Hey, did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out? It's gonna be rated ARRRRRR for all the booty. | ||
| Corporatemonkey |
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too. | ||
| Dako |
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. "Yes, it's because you are blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you are blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24." | ||
| Aldaytona |
Lifeguard yells at the biker, "Hey man, stop pissing in the pool!" Biker, "Come on man, everybody does it." Lifeguard, "Maybe so, but not from the diving board." | ||
| Sleez |
what do you call a fish with no eyes? a FSH!!!! | ||
| Blackbelt |
knock knock... who's there... banana..... banana who?.... knock knock... who's there... banana..... banana who?.... knock knock... who's there... orange..... orange who?.... orange you glad I didn't say banana again.. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thank you I will be here all week, don't forget to tip your wait staff | ||
| 99buellx1 |
Booooo! | ||
| Blackbelt |
oh craig kiss it.. lol ok how about this one... Bear walks into a bar... sits up at the counter... bartender says, "We don't serve Bears Here" so the bear gets up walks to the end of the bar, eats a woman sitting at the far end. walks back to the barkeep demands a drink. Bartender responds.. "Now I am definetly not serving you!" Bear says, "why not!?!?" Bartender replys, "we don't serve bears and we especially don't serve bears that do Drugs!" bear says, "DRUGS??" Bartender says, "yeah I saw that BarBitch you ate!" | ||
| Crusty |
Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you?" | ||
| Barker |
I haven't slept in 10 days, because that would be too long. | ||
| Cochise |
Why do Elephants paint their testicles red? -So they can hide in Apple trees. Have you ever seen an Elephant in an Apple tree? -Works, huh? Know how the farmer got killed? -Duh, pickin' Apples Why do Elephants wear springs on their feet? -So they can jump into trees and rape Monkees. What is the scariest sound to a Monkee? -Boing...boing....boing. A Bear walks up to a rabbit and asks, "Hey Rabbit, do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?" -"Nope", says the Rabbit So the Bear picks him up and wipes his rear-end with him. | ||
| Hattori_hanzo |
Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy! "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replied. "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said. "Then what are you?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan." The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet." |
