| Author |
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Slaughter
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:06 am: | 
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You might be a redneck if:
Your parents met at a family reunion. |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:09 am: |
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you might be a redneck if:
You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines" |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:11 am: |
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You might be a redneck if:
You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." |
Arbalest
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:17 am: |
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You might be a redneck if:
You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table.....
in front of her kids. |
Sleez
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:19 am: |
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what's the difference between a BMW (car) and a cactus?
a cactus has the pricks on the outside!! |
Hammeroid
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 11:37 am: |
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Why is a womans time of the month called PMS?
because mad cow disease was already taken. |
Ghostrider
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 04:09 pm: |
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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes? |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 04:55 pm: |
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How can you tell when your dustbin is full of toadstools?
Because there's not Mushroom inside.
(baboom, thankyou you're a great crowd, give yourselves a big round of applause) |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 06:20 pm: |
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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
HEY now!!! You're hitting pretty close to home there! |
Skyguy
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 06:39 pm: |
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How did OJ Simpsons lawyers get him to look forward to going to prison in the event they lost the case?
They told him it was going to be just like playing football agian and he would once again have at least ten large men opening up holes for him..................................... |
Skyguy
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 - 06:40 pm: |
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Why are Michael Jacksons pants so short?
They are not his................ |
Mountainbiker90
| | Posted on Friday, June 09, 2006 - 01:31 pm: |
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while we are talking of micheal,
Why was he spotted in Wal-Mart this past weekend? He heard they had boy's pants 1/2 off.... |
Oldog
| | Posted on Friday, June 09, 2006 - 04:44 pm: |
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You might be a red neck IF
your mama tore her best dress hunting
your mama can cuss out a highway patrol man and not knock the ash off of the end of her marlboro.
your mama has spent time comparing tatoos with your girlfriend.( who happens to be your sister )
you know how many hay bails your car holds.
your best shoes have numbers on the heals (bowling shoes)
(Message edited by oldog on June 09, 2006) |
Rsharb
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 12:35 am: |
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Three legged dog walks into the saloon and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw." |
Dako
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 06:40 am: |
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Spreadem
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 06:55 am: |
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Why does the Navy use powdered soap?
Takes longer to pick up. |
Hattori_hanzo
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 01:46 pm: |
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In your best Jeff Foxworthy voice....
If grandma comes runnin' into the living room and says, "Boy, you need to see this before I flush it...", you might be a redneck.
If your house warming party starts by removing the hitch and tires from your home...you might be a redneck.
If directions to you home include take a right a the mailboxes and go south down the dirt road...you might be a redneck.
If the UFO hotline has banned your phone number from calling in...you might be a redneck. |
Sanchez
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 03:27 pm: |
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Guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under this arm and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and one for the road." |
Sanchez
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 03:27 pm: |
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Q. What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
A. 8 pirates |
Rasmonis
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 03:57 pm: |
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How deep was the water in the pond that the frog was in?
Kneedeep,kneedeep, kneedeep |
Midknyte
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 06:02 pm: |
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What kind of condom does Kermit d' Frog use?
Rib'bed |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 07:12 pm: |
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If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat? |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 07:12 pm: |
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I didn't rise to the top of the food chain just to be a vegetarian! |
Ravensmith22
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 07:56 pm: |
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Another Navy joke:
Why do Navy ships have Marines?
Sheep would be way too obvious. |
Bartimus
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 08:31 pm: |
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Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 13, 2006 - 05:09 pm: |
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How many parts guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dunno they're still on back-order. |
Midknyte
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 14, 2006 - 12:01 pm: |
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how many flys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but don't ask me how they got there... |
Slaughter
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 14, 2006 - 03:16 pm: |
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Stupid criminal walks into a convenience store:
http://view.break.com/102441
(totally workplace safe) |
Kccyclone
| | Posted on Thursday, June 15, 2006 - 07:07 pm: |
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JJ had been having really bad headaches since his freshman year in high school, and went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago.
The doctor said "JJ, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure is causing the headaches. The only way to get rid of the pain is to remove the testicles."
JJ was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital it was the first time he didn't have a headache in over 10 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he felt like a whole new person and he could make a new start to his life.
He was walking past Goldstein's men clothing store and thought "what I need is a new suit!"
Hymie the elderly taylor eyed JJ and said a 44 regular right. JJ laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Hymie said. JJ tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
As JJ admired himself in the mirror Hymie asked "How about a new shirt?" JJ thought for a minute and said "sure."
Hymie eyed JJ and said "let's see 34 sleeve and 17 1/2 neck." JJ was surprised, "That's right how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Hymie said. JJ tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
As JJ adjusted the collar of his new shirt he asked Hymie about shoes. Hymie looked at JJ's feet and said "size 9" "How did you know?" JJ asked Hymie replied "been in the business 60 years."
As JJ walked around in his new shoes Hymie asked "How about underwear?" JJ thought for a second and said "sure."
Hymie eyed JJ and said "let's see ....size 42."
JJ laughed "AH HA !!!! I got you....I've worn size 38 since high school."
Hymie shook his head, "You can't wear a 38. A 38 underwear would press your testicles against your spine and cause awful headaches!" |
Ozymandismotard
| | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 04:49 pm: |
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk |
Marijane0569
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 10:08 am: |
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Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey Tim, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!” |
Marijane0569
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 10:18 am: |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" |
Pcmodeler
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 10:20 am: |
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Billy and Joey are walking home from school. As they walk by one particular house, they look in the window and see a couple going at it like animals in heat.
Watching only briefly, Billy suddenly takes off running down the street. Joey quickly gives chase, catching up several blocks later.
"Why did you take off running?" says Joey. "That was great."
Billy replied, "My mother told me that if I ever said anything dirty, did anything dirty or saw anything dirty I would turn to stone and boy, I sure felt something getting hard."
Thank you, thank you.....I'll be here all week.....plase tip your waiters and waitresses. |
Kccyclone
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 02:20 pm: |
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Ann, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.00."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John does not, John should be at her house around 2:00 p.m.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp. After paying Ann the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. Upon entering the house, he asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
Ann answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player |
Barker
| | Posted on Friday, June 23, 2006 - 03:53 pm: |
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A duck walks into a bar,
the bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here!"
The duck says "Thats ok, I just want a beer." |
Marijane0569
| | Posted on Friday, July 07, 2006 - 12:19 am: |
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Bin Laden gets to the Pearly Gates, and There were G. Washington, T. Jefferson, James Madison, Patrick Henry, and John Randolf; and they picked him up and threw him into hell. He yelled at the angel "this isn't what I was promised!!! And the angel said, " I told you there would be Virginians waiting for you. What do you think I said???" |
Marijane0569
| | Posted on Friday, July 07, 2006 - 12:21 am: |
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Hey can we keep this thread around for a while longer??? Everyone needs a good laugh every day.
Thanks
"MJ"
P.S. How do you break up an Iraqi bingo game???
Call out B-52. |
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