| Author | Message | ||
     Gbr |
My brother found this on some RV board. Very funny. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of! cau tion: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt awful!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs, I'm still in shock, Tommy | ||
| U4euh |
 , way to funny. Reminds of the blimp that attacked a fellow badwebber!! | ||
| Skyguy |
GBR, Do I have your permissions to send your post off to www.darwinawards.com? I am rolling on the floor after reading that!  | ||
| Kccyclone |
 Shocking..... It reminds me of the time me and a couple of friends sat around playing with my dogs remote controlled shock collar.... | ||
| Jlnance |
Reminds of the blimp that attacked a fellow badwebber!! OMG, that was Vegas wasn't it? He can't keep himself out of trouble. | ||
| Gbr |
Go ahead and send it. Its not my story, my brother sent it to me from a forum he reads. Here is the original link. http://www.rv.net/forum/index.cfm/fuseaction/thread/tid/17117308.cfm gbr | ||
| Skyguy |
Blimp? Badwebber? More! I must hear more! | ||
| Leftcoastal |
Somebody find the link to that one! I never laughed so hard in my life! The famous Vegasbueller/blimp adventure should be made into a movie! AL | ||
| Jlnance |
I linked to it in the storm fronts/Daytona 2006 thread. Its worth a read. Again. | ||
| Diablobrian |
this one was good, but the blimp story had me laughing hysterically | ||
| Duff24 |
classic renditions of jackass material...awesome. | ||
| Spiderman |
Ahhhh the blimp. I got to re-live that one at a Applebee's in Racine LMAO The waitress must have thought we were crazy... | ||
| Cmm213 |
I could never forget the blimp story, I almost pissed my chair. | ||
| Skyguy |
Someone please post a link to the blimp story!!! Cmon I am begging...... Being a LTR pilot and a Buell owner it is a story I have to hear. | ||
| Timbo |
Don't want to let you down Skyguy...but it wasn't a real blimp. It was a harrowing adventure/ordeal with a remote control model blimp. Very, very funny none the less. | ||
| U4euh |
here you go Skyguy. http://www.badweatherbikers.com/buell/messages/4062/101697.html?1111653409 Like Timbo said, it wasn't a real blimp but funny as hell anyway! | ||
| Oldog |
both stories need to be placed in the tale section. I read the blimp story. too good. | ||
| Skyguy |
U4euh thanks! I got a stupid silly grin stuck on my face a good fifteen minutes after the laughter!!! Great story and very well written. | ||
| Gearhead998 |
Oh my god!!! I am at work reading this and can't contain my self. This has got to be the funniest thing i have ever read. The whole time i was reading this I knew that it is not possible to just give yourself a one sec jolt. I just can't say how funny this is. | ||
| Jeremy_02_x1 |
I have been sitting here at my cubicle trying not to make a fool of myself with tears running down my cheeks reading that story. My God that's incredibly funny. Thanks for sharing. |
