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Tramp
Posted on Friday, December 16, 2005 - 10:16 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

(Sent to me by an associate who's been living in Africa for quite some time)

You couldn't make these up.....if you have lived in Africa you will
appreciate them even more

The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town):
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a
spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm
that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him to clean the
lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he
replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and
sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he
thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two
twelve times." "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I
understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

2. The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem
Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's
merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's
all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the
landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the
Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a
team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they
failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I
categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this
government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice
bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The
right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will
laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news
conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch
like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not
patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya
Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from
Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had
boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the
tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and
unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger
suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but
unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.
Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle
pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his
mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be
abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the
face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I
told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another
flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy
the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus
driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he
got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere
to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered,
he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the
queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove
straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over
his charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that
suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for
the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have
apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
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Keys
Posted on Friday, December 16, 2005 - 11:42 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Tears streaming down my face.

Thanks!
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