| Author | Message | ||
     Bluzm2 |
It's over, he's gone. I stand here with a smoking hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. There is an empty feeling that will not soon go away. The hole and heart will heal but some of the scar will always remain. But, I don't mind. It won't be a big ugly scar with stitch marks and such but more of a feeling every time I touch my chest. It's the kind of dings and scars one picks up as they go through life, but this is, by far, the biggest so far. It will be something to remind me of my father each time I feel it. You see, very early this past Saturday morning I held my Dad's hand as he left this world. Two of my four sisters and I were at his side as he breathed his last. I gently held his hand as I felt his last heart beat and wept. Overwhelming grief hit me like no other feeling I've ever experienced. I could not believe this was happening, I still can't. Only last Sunday, he spent the afternoon at my sisters with us. It was his first outing away from the nursing home since his stroke in May. My visit with him Wednesday was less than encouraging. By Thursday afternoon, he was in the medical ICU at the Vets hospital. After visiting him early Friday afternoon, things looked a bit better. Then late in the afternoon, a call from my sister. Dad had taken a turn for the worse; we needed to come to the hospital as soon as possible. An emergency surgery may be necessary. Two major infections had wreaked havoc with his body. Then things went really bad. He was too weak for surgery; he probably wouldn't survive the operation. The spirit was strong but the body had had enough. It could take no more. It was time to go home. The decision was made to turn off all the displays, blinking lights and beeping monitors. It was time to discontinue aggressive support and begin comfort care, as the outcome was inevitable. The room lights were dimmed, the curtain pulled and hospital staff left us to be alone with Dad. Pain meds were adminstered and his last journey began. He knew his time had come, he said goodbye in his own funny way and closed his eyes. We told him we were sorry his other two daughters couldn't be here. He said "That's OK, tell them to be happy". A short time later, he said, "Well, say goodbye to Johnny Cash" and slipped into unconsciousness. As my sisters and I talked we heard him struggle less and less. He was finally pain free; you could see it in his face. It was then my sister smiled and said she thinks she knew what he meant about the Johnny Cash remark. She remembered that folks often had remarked that Dad had more than a passing resemblance to the man in the black suit. All three of us laughed out loud. We try to laugh a lot in my family, we always have. It was at that moment by Dad took his last breath.... we like to think he waited until he knew we were happy. After filling out the requisite paperwork, the three of us walked across the parking lot to our cars. It was a very quiet walk. Then, my sister Denise said something that I will never forget. She said, "That is the hardest thing I'm glad I ever did". We all stopped, held each other and cried. Under the light of a full moon, we each headed separate ways to our homes. I another odd twist of fate, irony or what ever you want to call it, later on Saturday we figured out that Dad died on the same day as his father. September 17th..... Goodnight Johnny Cash aka Robert "Bubs" Johnson. 74 Years Young.... Dad, you will be missed. I would like to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and concern over the past few months since this all started. It's been a tough haul. Very sincerely Brad (Message edited by bluzm2 on September 19, 2005) | ||
| Stevem123 |
My condolences Brad. He's in a much better place now and watching over the rest of you. Keep the faith and live a good life to make him proud. BC Steve | ||
| Philip |
brad, i feel your pain. in july of 79 i found my father on the floor where he fell after having a massive stroke. he only came home for one day from the va hospital before having two more stokes. he died on oct 13 1979. we worked together and golfed and fished and i still have that hole in my heart. it gets better but you never forget. philip | ||
| Loki |
Brad, Words defy me at this moment, the thoughts are there though. family plot or Snelling? friends and family there, I fear a couple more in the not so distant future. | ||
| Gschuette |
Sorry about your old man. That was a very well written and heart felt post. | ||
| Charlieboy6649 |
Brad, My condolences. I lost my father last September to a blood disease. He had made the conscious decision that he didn't want treatment anymore and we respected that. He was medicated and he slipped away peacefully as his body shut down. It's been a few months and all I can say is, it may not feel happy now, but in time, you'll be glad you were there with him... I like to think there was some angel intervention that got me orders home at the time he was ill so that I could spend his last year with him... Peace be with you, Charles | ||
| Crusty |
Brad, you have my deepest sympathy. My father passed away in a similar manner. The whole family was with him at the end. Any words that I can think of seem really inadequate; but I know your pain. | ||
| Djkaplan |
One day, the hurt will be gone and only the good memories will stay with you. Time will surely heal, but you have to take the time to let it. | ||
| Jb2 |
<<Overwhelming grief hit me like no other feeling I've ever experienced.>> Believe me, I know. Sorry to hear. JB2 | ||
| Buellmeister57 |
My Dad passed away in 1990, I got a phone call from my brother telling me he had take n a turn for the worse and probably wouldn't make it through the night. I was living a thousand miles away, he died before I got home. Your post brought back a flood of emotions, there's hardly a day goes by that I don't think about him. My thoughts and prayers are with you. | ||
| Road_thing |
Brad, I'm sorry to read of your loss. It was a gift that you were able to be with him at the last. Stay strong, the hurt will pass. rt | ||
| Al_lighton |
My condolences, Brad. Never a happy time, but you and your sisters got to say goodbye about the best way possible. I think the healing goes better when the goodbye happens as yours did. Godspeed, Bubs Johnson. | ||
| Daves |
I am sorry Brad. Try to spend time with family and friends. Go for a ride. | ||
| CJXB |
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, it's hard to lose a parent !! | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Everyone, I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. I didn't really care if anyone read my post, I did it more for me. I needed to blow off some of the emotion before it overwhelmed me. Loki, the formal burial will be at Fort Snelling on Wednesday. We have something special planned for tomorrow. It's going to be very hard for us but it would be something my Dad would have really dug. Does anyone have the quote about "arriving at the gates in a skidding halt with the body all used up." I can't remember the whole quote or who said it. I would like to use it on Wednesday when it's my turn to speak. Thanks everyone. I am truly humbled by the class and calibre of fellow BWB'ers. Brad | ||
| Trac95ker |
Brad, I'm sorry for the pain you and your family are feeling. Just remember, you will see him again. | ||
| Henrik |
Brad; I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. As others have said, you were fortunate though, to have had the opportunity to say goodbye as you did. It likely doesn't make you feel any better right now, but it will with time. I hope you will find strength in knowing our thoughts are with you. Henrik | ||
| Ingemar |
I'm sorry for your loss, my condolences. Take care. | ||
| Loki |
He will be in good company at the Fort. I know one day, I too, will pass thru that gate and stay. | ||
| Bcordb3 |
Brad, What an honor to be there for your father's last breath, I am sure he was there for your first. May God bless you and your family. Bill | ||
| Turnagain |
Brad,I'm very sorry for your loss. I'd like to send you a more personal note, but as like you, my email address is hidden. If you like, you can reach me a turnagain_1 at cox.net. Take care, | ||
| Gomo |
My condolences to you and your family. Although we have never meet, a person can judge someone alot by their children. By reading your message one can see through your words that your father was a person that will truly be missed. You are doing a great job representing him and his name. Take Care and Heal | ||
| Pammy |
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in a pretty and well preserved body; but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, loudly proclaiming, "Wow! what a ride!" Brad, I know exactly how you feel and We have the most sincere sympathy for you and your family. If there is anything we can do, please ask. (Message edited by pammy on September 19, 2005) | ||
| M2me |
Brad, Sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. Your post was sad to read but also heart warming at the same time. My condolences to you and your family. PS. I tried finding something about the quote you are looking for. I am not familar with the quote and came up with nothing. | ||
| Rocketman |
Big hugs from me mate. It's the hardest thing. Rocket | ||
| Blublak |
My heartfelt sorrow at your loss.. I have no words.. But you and your family are in my prayers. Later, | ||
| Imeazy |
My condolences to you and your family. I can't relate as I haven't lost either of my parents yet, those are two days I am dreading. I did loose my wife going on ten years ago this Dec.. As others have mentioned it will get better with time. Death is definately the worst part of life! Take Care... | ||
| Prez |
brad,i'm so sorry for your loss. it is probably the hardest thing in life to realize that our parents arent as strong as we always believed they were when we were young. when i was in high school my mother was diagnosed with a rare thyroid disease and it didnt look good.Luckily she made it then,but she has hurt every day since.And we all know she is hanging on for us.I know she will probably never see my kids,but it is up to me to pass on her life to them!Thankyou for passing on your dads life to us. I know from the way you speak of him that he was very important to you and your entire family. He is in a better place now.You will see him again. Keep his memory alive everyday,whether it's just a thought when your brushing your teeth,or in your prayers at nite. He will be watching you grow as a man everyday. And his love for you is infinite. Thankyou for sharing his memory with us all. God Bless your family in this time of pain...prez | ||
| Crashm1 |
Brad, I am sorry to hear your father passed. My Grandfather died this spring and it was really hard to see my father and uncles hurting as badly as they did. I understand what your sister said as well. I got laid off of my job days before my grandfathers heart attack so I was able to be at the hospital to say goodbye to him and help my father by holding my grandfathers hand while my dad napped or get food for everyone. It was the hardest thing I've ever been happy to do. Again I'm sorry for your loss and pain and hope it eases in time. Scott | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Brad, I am sorry for the loss of your father. I envy you for the closeness you shared. I am sure the hurt will be filled in time with fond memories. Nick |
