| Author | Message | ||
     Gravedigger |
I hear Sam is expecting twin girls. A fathers nightmare!  | ||
| Dasxb9s |
Mobbers and friends of Shazam... If you all have been wondering if there is any substance in the rumors of Sam getting married... it IS true... and Sam WILL be a father. Sam and his wife are at this very moment on their honeymoon in Palo Alto, California! You may be asking why Palo Alto, California. Palo Alto is a place of religious significance... a sacred place for the new Mrs. M. Sam is converting to the religion of his new wife, thus making the site in Palo Alto significant to him also. Palo Alto is the World Headquarters of the Church of Barbieism, and the home of the Barbie Doll Hall of Fame. Yes... Mrs. M is a Sister in the Church of Barbie! Sam and his wife have traveled on a pilgrimage to be wed at the Holy Land of Barbie. The wedding ceremony was the traditional service performed at the Palo Alto Temple... which was officiated by Sister Barbie Johnson, the High Priestess of the Sacred Sisterhood of Barbie. Sam & his bride were wearing reproductions of the traditional Barbie & Ken Prom Night Set tuxedo and evening gown. Following this public ceremony was a private ceremony, blessing the yet unborn child. In Barbieism, for the purpose of the blessing ceremony, the child is referred to in the male gender... thus blessing the Son of Sam! During this blessing, the first Barbie doll ever produced is laid upon the tummy of Mrs. M. Then there is a bunch of naked women dancing around... but you guys have no interest in any of this... so I will skip the details. In the second part of this blessing, you guys will find this interesting... Sam had to strip naked and “little Sam” must be dressed in Ken clothing by High Priestess Johnson, to bless any future children. It is from this little known ceremony that the common term “Johnson” is derived from... and also sadly enough... the Ken clothing used in this case was way... way... smaller than ½ the actual size for a modern Ken Doll. ...and to just finish off the details of the ceremony... a Cabbage Patch Doll is burned as a sacrifice... it has nothing to do with Barbie... Cabbage Patch Dolls just really SUCK! Unfortunately... due to the suddenness of the 38 positive Early Pregnancy Tests, the formal guest list to the wedding could not include the members of the KC Mob. Mobbers are however included in the tradition by being able to give wedding gifts to the happy couple... (well, that term couple is not totally accurate...if you include the baby. But that is not important!) In Barbieism the tradition is to give various Barbie Dolls and accessories, for them to be included on their family alter. A gift registry has been established at etoys.com, toysrus.com & K-B toys. Please join me in providing the future collectables for their Holy Union. The encompassing ceremony in the Church of Barbie actually extends into the first month after the honeymoon. During this time, while at home they must refer to each other as Ken & Barbie. To further appreciate the roles that husband and wife assume upon marriage... they must reverse roles for this first month. This includes not only taking on the household duties of the other... but this also includes exchanging articles of clothing. Sam will wear the “apron of manhood” at all times when home, and no male clothing. Finally... a legitimate reason for Sam to wear women’s clothing while sober. Like all this would really change anything!!! In the home of Mr. & Mrs. M there will be the pitter patter of little feet. NO... the birth of their baby will not be for another 8 months and two weeks! They received a wedding gift from the parents of the bride, a poodle that Sam named Luke. Mrs. M had always wanted a female poodle... just like the one that came with the Malibu Barbie Beach House set, that she received for Christmas 11 years ago... when she was five. To further honor Barbie, Mrs M had the poodle dyed pink... Barbie’s favorite color! In case you did not know... traditionally none of the pets in the Barbie sets have names. So unknown to Sam... he as the husband had the honor of selecting the dog’s name. When Mrs. M arrived with the pink poodle, Sam was heard to say... “I think I am going to puke!” Mrs M did not clearly hear what Sam said and thought he named the dog Luke. Sam... not wanting to hurt the feelings of his new bride, quickly covered his comment stating he WAS naming a female dog Luke. The significance of this he would not learned until a bit later!!! So... to summarize Sam is married. Sam will be a father. Sam is on his honeymoon. Sam is converting to Barbieism. Sam has a female poodle named Luke. ...and Sam is still a brother to us Mobbers and we accept him as he now is... and we should try to hold the laughter to a minimum. Hang in there Ken... eer aah Sam... we still love ya! ...standby for page three!!! | ||
| Kcbill |
Well Dave whatdaya think now? | ||
| Dasxb9s |
I have received a great number of telephone calls and emails pertaining to the wedding of Sam... to best address these... I will post the Frequent Asked Questions. Q... When will Sam return from the honeymoon? A... The happy couple will be home before Christmas... however, I think we have actually “lost” “Sam” forever and “Sam” will never really return! Q... Is it true that if the child is a boy he will be named Sam? A... That is not true. The first born son in Barbieism must be named Ken. Q... If the child is a girl, must she be named Barbie? A... Don’t be ridiculous... in Barbieism that would be the same as a Christian naming their child god. There is only one Barbie... there shall be no false Barbies!!! Under tradition, a girl child must be named the same as the family dog, that is why the family dog is female!!! Thanks to Sam’s quick thinking and not being able to keep his comments to himself... in this case a daughter must be named Luke! Way to go Sam!!! Q... Are there unusual traditions related to the birth of a child in Bambieism? A... Yes... and Sam has messed this up too!!! Assuming the child is female (and if there is a God in heaven, Sam will be punished for his wild ways by giving him a daughter to worry over as a father...just as he has worried so many fathers in his life time!) Sam must be introduced to his daughter in traditional Barbieism manner. Sam upon the birth of his daughter must remain behind a black shroud until introduced by the mid-wife. So... in this case at the proper moment Sam must lift the black hood from over his face and loudly proclaim... “Luke I am your father!” I guess it could be worse... when he saw the pink poodle he almost said “No fucking way!”. Which would have been a terrible comment upon seeing his daughter for the first time! However... I would guess when the first boy shows up to date his daughter... those may be his exact words!!! Q... When Sam wears the clothing of his wife during the first month, must he wear her bra & panties? A... No... that is not required, but from what I hear... it is the one thing about all this the perv is looking forward to! Q... Does Sam wear a long or short apron when cleaning? A... Sam must wear an apron long enough to cover his “Johnson”... which in his case... will be the short apron! Q... Will Sam have to sell his cars and his Buells? A... No... he will not have to sell them! He found a Dodge dealer that will allow them in on trade for a pink mini-van! Q... When Mobbers visit Mr & Mrs M during the first month, are we required to refer to them as Ken & Barbie? A... No... that is just between them and it serves the purpose to remind them of the required abstinence from sex during the first month of the marriage. In Barbieism and to us non-Barbies... it is common knowledge that there is no genitalia on Ken or Barbie dolls. SO... stop by often... you will not be interrupting anything! Sam got his free ride prior to the 38 positive Early Pregnancy Test strips. Now that he is married, Sam needs to accept the fact that the “bait” worked and he is caught... cleaned... and the main course of this fish fry! Q... Will Mrs M have more children? A... Possibly... under Barbieism they may “couple” once, once a year on their anniversary. If a child results, the blessing by Sister Barbie Johnson was granted. Q... Was Sam aware of this once a year “coupling”? A... DUH... what do you think??? I am thinking “little” Sam was not asking to read the fine print! I doubt this questions was asked by Sam... “So what religion are you sweetie?” Q... Are there any other traditions involved with the Barbieism Cult? A... Yes... a large percentage of the members elect to have their genitalia surgically removed to be more like Ken & Barbie dolls. A little known fact... Lorena Bobbit is a member of the Church of Barbie. She is known as Sister Barbie Bobbit. Q... Has Mr & Mrs M considered the surgical alteration... or as it is properly called... sexual perfection? (This term was used by Mrs. M during the premarital relations, that she looked forward to achieving sexual perfection... Sam thought she was commenting on his skill... little did he know.) A... Technically the answer is no. BUT... Mrs M was heard to say that if Sam wants it more than once a year, or he elects not to be unfaithful... there WILL be a late night visit from Sister Barbie Bobbit!!! Q... Was it a shotgun wedding? A... Technically no. California has a 10 day waiting period to purchase a firearm. So... the parents of the bride did not want to keep Sam locked in the trunk of the car that long... so they acquired a movie prop shotgun. Q... Was Sam aware the shotgun was a movie prop? A... DUH... he got married... NEXT QUESTION!!! Q... Since this is a cult, is there a way we can “de-program” Sam and save him? A... Yes... but it takes lots of beer and he must be beaten back into reality using GI Joe action figures. Q... So... if Sam is beaten down using GI Joe dolls he can be saved? A... WRONG!!! GI Joe is an action figure... GOD DAMN IT!!! It ain’t no fucking doll!!! You just don’t and can’t understand!!! Like the Harley guys say... “IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU... YOU WON’T UNDERSTAND!” NOW QUIT ASKING ME THESE STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!!!!! WHAT AM I... SAM’S PRESS AGENT??? MY HEAD IS HURTING AGAIN... THEY KEEP TRYING TO TUNNEL OUT!!! | ||
| Dasxb9s |
Dennis is resting quietly right now... and if anyone was offended by the content or the language of his postings... I as his psychiatrist extend my apologies. Dennis has been sedated... and should be back to normal in a few days. Well... maybe the term normal is inappropriate... he will be semi-socially acceptable in a few days!  | ||
| V2win |
I stopped by Sam's last night to peek inside.  | ||
| Tripper |
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.......BAWaaaaaahahahahahahahahhaahahahah..... ooomyyyyyygawwwwwwwwd. Good one V2! When Dennis wakes up tell him I want to wheelie with he and Ken. Sam needs to accept the fact that the “bait” worked and he is caught... cleaned... and the main course of this fish fry! How perfect. | ||
| Kcfirebolt |
Glad to hear you're comin home Tripper. Are ya gonna miss those mountain roads? | ||
| Fuscat |
Hey Bill, here is a pic of the jacket I bought let me know if it is the same one you were thinking of. Either way I think I got a pretty good deal..  | ||
| Kcbill |
yep thats it. | ||
| Kcbill |
Dennis is getting married too. SHAAARROOONNN! Just like Ozzy says it. | ||
| S1lightning |
Dennis, The boys in the white suits will be by later!! Pay no attention to the little jacket with the buckles all over it, its a new riding jacket designed by some German engineer that swears that it will make your BMW go Faster!!!! The van ride is FREE!! All ya have to do is find the corner in the round room, and piss in the corner, and they will let ya go!! (In other words you are FUCKIN CRAZY) | ||
| Fuscat |
Wow that pic makes it look so much darker here at work. On my laptop at home it looks so much better it is actually grey that pic on this monitor makes it look almost black.. | ||
| Roninxb |
i am new here. well i am not new. i have just be gone for a while. i went to your brag meeting but i did not see any bikes. i went in and did not see anyone wearing motorcycle clothing so i left. was the meeting canceled? i want to be a mob member. i have a blast... can i ride with you guys? or is it for big buells only? | ||
| Roninxb |
i almost forgot... i got a barbie doll for sam and his new wife. how do i get it to him? | ||
| Kcfirebolt |
One lungers are always welcome. Sorry we missed you Ronin. Keep your eyes peeled here and all of us will hook up sonner rather than later. Glad you found us! FYI. Dasxb9s is only half as crazy as he appears on this board (or is it the other way around). Anyway, his condition is rarely contagious. | ||
| Gravedigger |
OK GUYS! I SPOKE WITH SAM LASTNIGHT! and all I have to say is . . . . ITS ALL TRUE! He gave her the ring! The bachelors shower will be, no more! there will actually be shower rings holding up the shower curtain and little doilies all over the place. He is trading in the bikes and the van for the Ken and Barbie sportscar (with optional baby seats). He is moving out of the apartment and buying the Barbie mansion out in the suburbs somewhere. Think it will be next to route 5 so he will be forever tormented by motorcycles racing by. Since he has changed religions, he is no longer allowed to drink BODKA. He is only allowed to partake in the more formal type of drinking which includes fine wine and champagne. The double stroller is on order. The poodle is at the groomers having its fur dyed pink. Sam has left the california portion of his honeymoon and is headed to the nebraska portion of his honeymoon. Can't quite figure this one out? Only thing that I can think of is that she wants him know what it feels like to be close to his personal mecca (Sturgis, SD) but never quite get there. kind of like with the new barbie house. gets to watch motorcycles race by but never gets to join in the fun. He is in the process of looking for a new job. Being Roys temporary replacement is not what the new bride quite has in mind for her new husband. She is in the process of picking out a whole new wardrobe for Sam. One that includes suits, ties and wingtips. His resume is being polished up and sent to all the top financial institutes in KC. This way his future will include long commutes for downtown, sitting in traffic jams talking to his loving wife on the cellphone. He has been denied permission to attend my bachelor party for fear that he will not conduct himself as a proper gentleman. I think thats just about all that we covered on the phone lastnight. good luck Sam! we all wish you well in your new lifestyle! Keith p.s.  | ||
| Roninxb |
mr. kcfirebolt what is a one lunger? i don't know much about this board... is that like a new member... or is that like a pledge into the mob? i want to pledge the mob! mr. gravedigger i thought mr. dasxb9s said mr. shazam was already married. i also thought luke was dyed pink by mrs shazam. does sturgis have something to do with ken... since palo alto has special meaning for barbie? i don't untersdtand? are you a mob member too? or are you from saint louis and a slob member? | ||
| Kcfirebolt |
One Lunger= Single Cylinder Motorcycle ie. a Buell Blast, KTM Duke, Suzuki Savage SLAB = St. Louis Area Buellers (I think). While they have been called "slobs" before, they have an aversion to hitting their mothers; everyone else is fair game. Sam Sam Sam How fast the mighty fall. Congrats man. Can't wait to meet the new bride. I hope she is half as cool as you are and twice as smart. Still looking to sell that custom seat? Best wishes, Charles | ||
| Roninxb |
mr. kcfirebolt thank you. i think i understand now about a one lunger. i am sorry about the misteak on the saint louis group. do you think anyone was offended? I can go to there posting area and apologize! they don't realyy hurt their moms do they? are you joking? I am again living with my mom. i would never dream of hitting her! if i did that i would have to go away again! is the next mob meeting on wednesday next month or on thursday? is there a club house? |
