| Author | Message | ||
     Electraglider_1997 |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI | ||
| Cyclonedon |
I've heard that before and it sure is funny everytime I listen to it! Thanks for posting! | ||
| Chrisgrant |
Holy crap, thats funny. I've heard this guy before. He has one where he tells the caller that he has been expecting their call because he's psychic. I'll try to find it. | ||
| Teeps |
I pranked a timeshare marketer one time, and was able to keep her on the phone for 20 minutes before she finally hung up. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
Good stuff! | ||
| Us_uly |
Yes it is. Good Laugh. | ||
| Electraglider_1997 |
I've got SAD bad. That's seasonal affective disorder which is caused by not getting sun on my face for what seems forever. Post some funny stuff here to counteract this malady. | ||
| Hdbobwithabuell |
That's funny! Crap, i just wasted two hours watching prank calls on YouTube | ||
| Bertotti |
I've heard this before but it never stops being funny. priceless. | ||
| Chrisgrant |
That's funny! Crap, i just wasted two hours watching prank calls on YouTube ditto | ||
| Jackbequick |
I'm with you on the SAD thing Bob, it's a sad thing if you let it get the upper hand. Tomorrow, I'm going to get out of the house! Of course the fact that it is time to move another cord or so of firewood into the garage has a lot to do with it. It was 6F when I got up this morning, an hour later it was 5F. Jack | ||
| Jackbequick |
Subject: The Gunfighter In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in The West. He practised every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his six-shooter and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young cowboy. "Got any more tips for me? " "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits sits. That'll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that give me an even quicker draw?" asked the young cowboy. "Nope," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp's done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that six-shooter up your arse, and it it'll ease the pain a little" | ||
| Jackbequick |
The newswires have reported that the French Government has announced it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military. The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose". Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help". Finally in GB they've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win". Disclaimer: This is a random attempt at sharing humor. No intentional transnational insults were intended. | ||
| Jackbequick |
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." #14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." #11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "Just how big were those two beers?" #3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." #2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!! #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here please. | ||
| Jackbequick |
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. He decided to do some shopping on the way home. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However he was struggling when he got outside the feed store. He now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. He was thinking he might have to call a taxi. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" He tried it and said, "Why, thank you very much." And he proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." | ||
| Jackbequick |
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe collectgs a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed up a new urine sample using some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and he threw in a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart! | ||
| Jackbequick |
An elderly man in Queensland, Australia owned a large property, on which he had built a dam and had planted avocado and mango trees. One evening he decided to walk down to the dam, and he grabbed a bucket to collect fruit in. As he neared the dam he heard women giggling and laughing, as he got closer he saw it was a bunch of young girls skinny dipping in his dam. He coughed to let them know he was there, one of the young girls shouted "We are not coming out to you leave." The old man said, "I am not interested in seeing young naked girls", and holding his bucket up said, "I am just here to feed the crocodiles." Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast. | ||
| Jackbequick |
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Reinsert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet; place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book. 18. Recheck makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. | ||
| Jackbequick |
WHO WEARS THE PANTS? Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat...... He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on. She did and said "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine." He does and says,! "I can't get into your pants." Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." | ||
| Jackbequick |
A man died and appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"! St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago..." | ||
| Jackbequick |
VOCABULARY SPIN For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.... 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking? 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? 30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? | ||
| Jackbequick |
How To Give the Cat a Bath and Thoroughly Clean the Toilet 1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.) 4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a " power-wash " and "rinse".) 5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.) 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog | ||
| Jackbequick |
Top 10 Reasons Why Motorcycle Riders Don't Wave This one is equally derogatory and funny to ALL riders! Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back 10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty. 9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm. 8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for. 7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos. 5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley. 4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda. 3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else. 2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet. 1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms. Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back 10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture. 9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip. 8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm. 7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him. 6. The espresso machine just finished. 5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved. 4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer. 3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen. 2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system. 1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard. Top 10 Reasons Sportsbikers Don't Wave: 10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to. 9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond. 8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear. 7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket. 6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips. 5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank. 4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal. 3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops. 2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies. 1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on. Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back 10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm. 9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form." 8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement. 7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat. 6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone. 5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!. 4. Wires from Gerbings is too short. 3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW. 2. You haven't been properly introduced. 1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture. And Finally... Top Ten reasons Metric Cruiser Riders don't wave back 10. New leather jacket was purchased at the same size as suit jacket. 9. Didn't know that the bike wouldn't fly off the road if left hand was removed. 8. Was looking at the handle bars wondering what accessory could mount where. 7. Was wildly grasping at some valve under seat. (3.7 gals BAH!) 6. Rider was actually pulling up black socks and pulling down on jeans trying to close a few air gaps. 5. Rider was too caught up in reciting his mantra 'Left hand clutch' 'Right hand Gas AND Front brake' 'Left foot Gears' 'Right foot Rear brake' 'And for Gods sake Both feet down at light'. 4. Waved after you went by. You just thought they didn't wave. 3. Was searching GPS to find local Bike wash. 2. Rider wasn't really waving, was doing wind airfoil test with hand and arm. 1. Rider was involved in trying to get new throttle stop to STOP. | ||
| Jackbequick |
A young husband, being unhappy with his wife's mood swings, bought her a mood ring so he would be able to monitor her moods. With his wife's help, they have discovered that when she is in a good mood, it turns green. And when she is in a bad mood, it leaves a bright red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond. | ||
| Jackbequick |
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE." | ||
| Jackbequick |
"..Post some funny stuff here to counteract this malady..." Did that help? Jack :>) | ||
| Etennuly |
 Wholly crap! You NEED to ride!!!! | ||
| Newbuellertoo |
"Top Ten Reasons...." Hilarious ! | ||
| Xbswede |
What was the original post again! | ||
| Jackbequick |
You're absolutely right, Vern. But it is winter in Maine and I don't have a death wish... So April or so will come soon enough. Jack |
