| Author | Message | ||
     Crusty |
When I was married 35 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 35 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car & sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis! | ||
| Crusty |
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted." | ||
| 04buell |
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| Dragon_slayer |
Oh Crusty, are we going to try to keep this thread going? For a while there it was like  | ||
| Crusty |
When I get appropriate material, I'll post it. Hopefully, some others will also add their own and keep it going. In the meantime: Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those f***in' assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in' sheet rock..." | ||
| Xbimmer |
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| Crusty |
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going? She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" | ||
| Electraglider_1997 |
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm retched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!" Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!" | ||
| Crusty |
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." | ||
| Hotredjohn |
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "What the hell was that for!?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, also. The passenger yells, "What'd you do that for?!" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?' The copy says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna' say, "I wish that SOB would've tried that shit with me." | ||
| Hotredjohn |
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and were silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent, stink terribly." "Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
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| Dragon_slayer |
John was on his deathbed when he gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear." "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die, I want you to marry Bob," he said. "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. And with his last breath John said, . . . . . "EXACTLY!" | ||
| Crusty |
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ ////////////////////////////////////////////////// My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. ------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ////////////////////////////////////////////////// As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. ################################# Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ************************************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ================================================== Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. edited to fix overwidth character strings (Message edited by Blake on October 26, 2006) | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
Hey! I have seen those cards at Odd Lots/Big Lots! | ||
| Shovelheadtom |
hey. do you why cave men drug their women around by their hair??? because if you drag them around by their feet they fill up with dirt!!! | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
Erik's coming out with a Sport Touring bike as an early '08 model next summer!  | ||
| Crusty |
Don't be cruel... | ||
| Chrisb |
I know from a good source it will have that awesome V-rod powerplant.  | ||
| Electraglider_1997 |
That V-Rod engine is a jewel of a motor. If what you claim is so then I just hope they think things out better than the Harley V-Rod. Did you know that to service the valves you must drop the engine. No kidding. It is supposedly an 800 dollar maintenance item and that tells me that it is to labor intensive for my tastes. As far as I'm concerned the engineers should have their heads examined for that screw-up. | ||
| Blake |
Crusty et al. Great stuff. I laughed to the point of tearing up reading some of it. Craig (Electraglider), You are cracking me up dude. The guys are kidding. | ||
| Smcnamara |
Shamelessly stolen from another list: Top 10 Reasons Why Riders Don't Wave This one is equally derogatory and funny to ALL riders! Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back 10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty. 9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm. 8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for. 7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos. 5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley. 4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda. 3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else. 2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet. 1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms. Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back 10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture. 9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip. 8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm. 7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him. 6. The espresso machine just finished. 5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved. 4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer. 3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen. 2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system. 1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard. Top 10 Reasons Sportbikers Don't Wave: 10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to. 9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond. 8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear. 7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket. 6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips. 5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank. 4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal. 3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops. 2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies. 1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on. Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back 10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm. 9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form." 8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement. 7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat. 6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone. 5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!. 4. Wires from Gerbings is too short. 3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW. 2. You haven't been properly introduced. 1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture. And Finally... Top Ten reasons Metric Cruiser Riders don't wave back 10. New leather jacket was purchased at the same size as suit jacket. 9. Didn't know that the bike wouldn't fly off the road if left hand was removed. 8. Was looking at the handle bars wondering what accessory could mount where. 7. Was wildly grasping at some valve under seat. (3.7 gals BAH!) 6. Rider was actually pulling up black socks and pulling down on jeans trying to close a few air gaps. 5. Rider was too caught up in reciting his mantra 'Left hand clutch' 'Right hand Gas AND Front brake' 'Left foot Gears' 'Right foot Rear brake' 'And for Gods sake Both feet down at light'. 4. Waved after you went by. You just thought they didn't wave. 3. Was searching GPS to find local Bike wash. 2. Rider wasn't really waving, was doing wind airfoil test with hand and arm. 1. Rider was involved in trying to get new throttle stop to STOP. | ||
| Hotredjohn |
How To Thoroughly Clean the Toilet 1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.) 4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a " power-wash " and "rinse".) 5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.) 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog | ||
| Hotredjohn |
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a p**sy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat" | ||
| Hotredjohn |
Not to pick on cats but..... A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
Hey! All I did was mention the news about the new model next summer. Now look above at what happened. I must have woke some people up!  | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
Old farmer saying, "If you can't bale no hay, it's raining or you damn fool, you forgot to plant it!" | ||
| Brotherbuell |
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be undone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan said .... "Well, dang-it, would you look at that, I'm getting a fax." | ||
| Dragon_slayer |
All good stuff! BTW, did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!  | ||
| Husky |
Great shots of a Halloween-appropriate bike. take a look at this "Bare Bones" Bike       Not many extras on this bike. Joe |
