| Author |
Message |
    
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Sunday, October 29, 2006 - 10:41 am: | 
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I do not think a drive chain is considered an extra! |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Friday, November 03, 2006 - 03:49 pm: |
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The local chief of police was driving down the street when a fancy new shiny car passed him going the other way. On the roof was a sign reading " 2 prostitutes looking for work ". The chief did a quick u-turn and stopped the car. He explained to the 2 young ladies that they could not advertise in that way and while he was explaining to them, another car drove by with a sign reading " Jesus loves you ". Both girls questioned why that car and sign were OK but the one they had was not. The chief then explained to them that the religious signs were OK and the girls left after taking down their sign.
Two days later the chief saw them again with a new sign on the car............
" 2 fallen angels looking for Peter " |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Saturday, November 04, 2006 - 11:50 am: |
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Retired_cop
| | Posted on Monday, November 06, 2006 - 01:12 pm: |
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So far I have not been struck by lightning so I guess that was an OK bit of religious humor.............
but then again, a Ulysses can out run a Lightning, right???????????? |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Monday, November 06, 2006 - 06:40 pm: |
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Oh Tim, have you learned nothing here?
ONLY THE ORANGE ONES CAN!  |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 05:37 pm: |
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Slayer,
As we age we forget some things. I for one seem to have forgotten the dead horse color issue and you are going to start beating it again, aren't you? I thought the orange ones just made better targets.....that's why the black is called stealth black isn't it. |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 07:46 pm: |
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Some of us have not aged as fast as others and still remember not to take some things seriously. 
This thread is for fun and enjoyment so, in that vein I offer this:
I hope most will agree. If not I am sure some will let me know!  |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 07:56 pm: |
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On with the show, next joke please!
Some people are like Slinkies....
not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs! |
Megabytebige
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 09:29 pm: |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour surgical procedure
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm
only here to wash your upper body & feet." He struggles to ask
again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned
that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then
she takes close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them
Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but listen very, very closely.......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" |
Megabytebige
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 09:30 pm: |
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This is serious stuff...Beer contains female
hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists
released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of
female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their
beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into
women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 09:33 pm: |
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where were you hiding the other day, slayer?
the steps hurt..............
Thanks for the horse
I couldn't resist the color jab.
I agree & will try to remember another good joke. |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 11:07 pm: |
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Tim, I like your sense of humor. Awaiting your next joke!  |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 08, 2006 - 11:10 pm: |
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Eric, good jokes but that second one could have you doing this! |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Thursday, November 09, 2006 - 11:01 am: |
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Oh Slayer...........look at the BRAG thread for the start of the next funny item. |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Thursday, November 09, 2006 - 09:43 pm: |
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Just came from there. Thanks ........ I think? |
Crusty
| | Posted on Friday, November 10, 2006 - 05:13 am: |
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WHITE CASTLES!!!  |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Friday, November 10, 2006 - 11:53 am: |
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Well,
"Burger King" seems to go along with " Sir Richard" doesn't it?
 |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Sunday, November 12, 2006 - 08:00 pm: |
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.  |
1313
| | Posted on Sunday, November 12, 2006 - 10:44 pm: |
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Right on!
1313 |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 14, 2006 - 12:22 pm: |
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One out of four, huh?????
For the longest time, I have been telling everyone that I am the only normal one, the rest are all crazy.
 |
Cyclonedon
| | Posted on Friday, November 17, 2006 - 01:33 am: |
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Therapy:
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved etc...........
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs every day. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here Monday thru Friday, but on the weekends, I ride motorcycles." |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Friday, November 17, 2006 - 02:01 pm: |
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I just got a new book to read but cannot seem to get past the table of contents.
It is a collaboration between Jimmy Swaggert and Jim Baker called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People" |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Friday, November 17, 2006 - 02:18 pm: |
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When our lawn mower was having problems and finally broke, my wife kept asking when it would be fixed. Due to the increased short days and only a few good riding days left, it just wasn't getting done.
I got home the other day to find her sitting in the yard with a small pair of scissors, snipping away at the grass. Well......that got to me so into the house I went and immediately returned with a toothbrush. She asked" What is that for?"
I replied " While you are at it, don't forget to sweep the sidewalk when you are done."
The doctor says my leg and arm should be healed well enough in the spring for me to get the mower to the repair shop........... |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Saturday, November 25, 2006 - 06:28 pm: |
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Well guys now that Thanksgiving is over, time to start decorating for Christmas. I will go first!
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Crusty
| | Posted on Saturday, November 25, 2006 - 10:32 pm: |
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced", she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her fat her, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." |
Crusty
| | Posted on Saturday, November 25, 2006 - 10:34 pm: |
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Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted
tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.
But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in
the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill....
"I found out who Peed in your Saxophone |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Sunday, November 26, 2006 - 03:46 pm: |
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As we get along in age and settled into our everyday life style we sometimes become very complacent and comfortable. As an experiment to try to brighten/lighten up our lives, the wife and I decided to try it "doggie style".................
I sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.
(Message edited by retired_cop on November 26, 2006) |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 12:10 pm: |
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Today's quote:
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." 
(Jackie Mason) |
Crusty
| | Posted on Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 12:40 pm: |
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
1. 40-ish.................................49.
2. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
3. Athletic...............................No breasts.
4. Average looking...................Moooo.
5. Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
6. Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
7. Feminist..............................Fat.
8. Free spirit............................Junkie.
9. Friendship first.....................Former slut.
10. New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.
11. Old-fashioned.....................No BJs.
12. Open-minded.....................Desperate.
13. Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
14. Professional........................B$tch.
15. Wants soul mate................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay. |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 07:27 pm: |
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Crusty, does your wife know you are playing on the computer again? I bet you minimized this if she looked over your shoulder!  |
Crusty
| | Posted on Monday, December 04, 2006 - 05:10 am: |
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Naw, I"M the boss around here!
 
wanna buy a bridge? |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Monday, December 04, 2006 - 11:25 pm: |
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Retired_cop
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 06, 2006 - 11:12 am: |
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In the spirit of the season I offer this to all who are interested:
Onions & Christmas Trees
During the holidays the entire family is gathered at the table for dinner when the son asks "Dad, how many types of boobies are there?" After recovering from his surprise, the father answers " Well son, there's 3 kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the mother and daughter so the daughter asked "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In his twenties his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." |
Dragon_slayer
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 06, 2006 - 06:20 pm: |
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Yes, like a Christmas tree. If you want to keep it fresh, put a pill in it's water! |
Bienhoabob
| | Posted on Monday, December 11, 2006 - 10:52 pm: |
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Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother, cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other, happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr, too," says mum, quietly.
"Oh gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says. "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 12, 2006 - 10:02 am: |
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Two priests are in the restroom at the Vatican and one looks at the other and says " I couldn't help but notice that you have a Nicoderm patch on your penis. Aren't you supposed to put those on your arm?"
The other priest replies " No, this really works well. I am down to 2 butts a day!" |
Retired_cop
| | Posted on Saturday, January 27, 2007 - 09:53 am: |
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In another land a long time ago there lived a princess who had a problem......everything she touched melted! This was a concern to her and her father, the king, who tried all kinds of things to solve the problem. The wisemen and prophets all agreed that once she touched something and it did not melt, she would be cured. The king made a proclamation that whoever cured his daughter would have her in marriage.
Three princes appeared and the first had a fine sword made of the best steel and gold that he gave to the princess. It turned into a puddle on the floor. the second was sure he had the solution in his gift....diamonds, the hardest thing known to man! Same results, a puddle on the floor.
The third prince saw what happened, approached the king and his daughter and asked the princess to put her hand in his pocket. Nervously she did and her face turned red as she felt something hard. The prince told her to hold onto it, she did, and nothing melted! Both the king and his daughter were overcome with joy and a huge celebration was given in honor of their wedding.
OH, I am forgetting something......what was it that the princess felt??????
It was M & M 's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
What were all of you thinking about????? |
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